


Into the Light

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:55:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8283368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A Night episode addition. The fallout for Kathryn and Chakotay.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CF (canadianfolk)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadianfolk/gifts).



> Happy Birthday, CF. It’s a little late but chockers full of good wishes. :)
> 
> A big thank you to Kim J for the magnificent beta… hugs.

“Harry, what do you see?”

“I see a densely packed region with thousands of star systems. Looks pretty lively.”

Members of the bridge crew sat in stunned silence, drinking in the vista before them. Never had space’s backdrop of stars and nebulas looked so beautiful.

In a steady voice that belied her inner turmoil, Kathryn gave the order. “Full speed ahead.”

Tom tapped his console with renewed enthusiasm. “Aye, Captain.” He grinned up at B’Elanna, still standing at his side. “It’s going to be free drinks at Sandrine’s tonight.”

Chakotay turned away from the screen, watching Kathryn carefully as he returned to his seat. She was eerily still – her eyes glued to the viewscreen – but he could feel the jagged waves of tension emanating from her. It took every ounce of his self-discipline to keep from reaching across to touch and comfort her. But sensing her tenuous control and knowing that she would not welcome his interference, he kept his distance.

Without looking at anyone, Kathryn suddenly pivoted to her feet and strode across the command deck, barking over her shoulder as she trotted down the stairs. “I’ll be in my Ready Room. Commander, you have the Bridge.”

As the doors slid shut behind her, Chakotay’s eyes met Tuvok’s in grim understanding.

Her air of casual acceptance may have fooled most of the crew, but not them. The act of bravado was merely that – an act. He’d seen the barely suppressed tears and heard the tremor in her voice.

They were through the Void. Her daring manoeuvre had saved them all again, but there was a shuttle-load of issues that now needed to be addressed. Although she would never admit to it, Kathryn was in desperate need of reassurance and support. And for his own peace of mind, Chakotay needed to know that she was all right.

Her half-baked plan to send Voyager merrily on its way while she stayed behind in a shuttle to destroy the entrance to the vortex had been a thinly-veiled attempt to sacrifice herself, in yet another misguided undertaking to assuage her guilt for stranding Voyager in the Delta Quadrant. Seeking redemption again for imagined misdemeanours – when would she ever learn?

Chakotay was caught in an uncomfortable tangle of relief, anger and despair.

It had become abundantly clear to him – after his conversation with Tuvok- that his suspicions had been correct. Her tendency towards self-destruction was not a newly acquired flaw, but an ongoing and potentially lethal propensity that stemmed from a deep-seated need to prove her worth and justify her decisions. Undoubtedly, the problem had its roots in her childhood but it was well past time for dealing with the issue.

He knew they would both gladly give their lives for the crew if the situation warranted it, but in this instance, Kathryn’s sacrifice had carried a worrying edge of near-relish and resignation.

Taking a deep breath, Chakotay stood and moved towards the ready room door. He glanced over at Tuvok as he walked past the Tactical Station and a look of unspoken understanding passed between the two men.

It felt good to know that they were on the same side. Even though he and Tuvok had never been close, they shared the common bond of having Kathryn’s best interests at heart. Tempted to invite the taciturn Vulcan into the lion’s den with him, Chakotay knew that he’d get a better result if it were just he and Kathryn facing off against one another. Tuvok could always be the backup plan.

“You have the bridge.”

“Aye, Commander.” There was a commiserative look in the Vulcan’s eyes and Chakotay acknowledged it with a slight nod. Reaching up, he rang the chime.

There was no answer.

With the rest of the bridge crew’s attention occupied by the star field on the view screen, Chakotay cast a worried look Tuvok’s way. The Vulcan quickly keyed in the security override and the door slid open. Chakotay stepped through and scanned the room.

She wasn’t there.

“Kathryn?”

Silence. A little louder and with a marked edge of concern he called out.

“Kathryn?! Where are you?”

Then he heard her.

“In here.”

She was in the small bathroom off the Ready room. He knocked, then waited anxiously.

“Are you all right? May I come in?”

The door finally slid open and he found her sitting on the floor by the john, her jacket tossed into the corner. She was leaning against the wall, her arms wrapped around her legs and her forehead resting on bent knees.

Chakotay knelt down beside her and gently laid his hand on her shoulder.

“Kathryn? Should I call the Doctor?”

She shook her head and looked up, her face pale and eyes haunted. After giving a half-hearted shrug and wan smile, she answered him in a voice that didn’t sound like her. “It’s ridiculous, I can’t stop shaking.”

She held out her hands to show him. There was a marked tremor in her long slender fingers and he could see her lips quivering.

“Oh, Kathryn.”

He acted purely on instinct then, grasped her hands and kissed them gently before sitting next to her and pulling her onto his lap to cradle her in his arms.

Once she was tucked in against him, he could feel her whole body shuddering with a bone-deep rigor- an uncontrollable quaking that shook her to her boots.

There was little he could do to help ease her pain so he just held her close and whispered. “It will be all right. I promise.”

She nodded her head. “I know it will be. It has to be, but just at the moment…”

There was no need to finish. He knew what she meant.

He shushed her quietly, stroking her hair and shoulders, and kissing her head until she began to calm down. There were no tears – he guessed she was beyond them at this point. Her breathing eventually slowed but there was still a violin string-like tension throughout her body – a tension so strong that he could feel it in the shiver of her skin.

He reassured her in quiet whispers, then tapped his combadge. “Tuvok, until further notice, the Captain and I will be taking a tour of the ship.”

_“Understood, Commander.”_

He stood then and helped Kathryn to her feet, keeping a steadying arm around her.

“Computer, beam Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay to the captain’s quarters. Energise.”

* * *

They materialised in her living area and he pulled back a little, sweeping her hair from her face.

“Do you want to rest, Kathryn?”

She shook her head and stepped away from him, lifting her head high and running her hands down the front of her uniform. “No, I’d never sleep. I’ll be fine though. You should get back to the bridge.”

Her strength of will dazzled him but he wasn’t fooled. “I’m sure Tuvok can handle things for a while. I’d like to stay here with you. I think you could use the company.”

He could see that she was about to argue so his jaw set, ready to counter anything she might throw at him. They had important things to discuss – whether she wanted to talk or not. It was time.

There was no point antagonising her, though, so he suggested quietly, “How about a cup of tea and we can sit for a moment and catch our breaths?”

With eyes narrowed slightly – aware that she was being manoeuvred – Kathryn looked at him knowing she’d look churlish if she disagreed. She nodded, somewhat reluctantly. “All right, just for a moment.”

He smiled to himself. “Good. You make yourself comfortable. I’ll get the tea.”

Nodding, she pulled off her pips and tossed them onto the table. Grabbing her throw, she wrapped it around her shoulders and slumped into a corner of the couch.

By the time he returned with their drinks, she was staring out the view port at the bright stars and vibrant nebulas that filled this part of space.

“It’s like that old saying – you never miss something until it’s gone.”

Kathryn turned to Chakotay and took the cup that he offered her, cradling it in her trembling hands. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

She took a sip, stared into the cup, gave a slight shrug and then sipped again. “It’s not coffee but it’s hot.”

“With those tremors, caffeine is probably the last thing you need.”

“Hmmm, I’ll take your word on that… for now.”

She was putting on quite a show. Her bravado was admirable, although somewhat misplaced. There was no need to put up a front with him.

“It’s all right, Kathryn. You don’t have to pretend.”

Taking another measured sip of tea, she lifted her eyes and studied him for a long moment. He met her gaze candidly – until she took a deep breath and came to a decision. Her voice was pensive. “One takes so many things for granted; it’s a humbling experience to realise that missing something as simple as the stars was enough to throw my world completely out of alignment. I’m obviously not as robust as I thought I was.”

Chakotay shrugged. “You weren’t the only one. It affected all of us to some extent. Consider yourself lucky. Neelix made me curtains. Tom described them as rainbow-swill meets swamp chic.”

He’d meant it to be a light-hearted comment, something to break the cycle of despair, but he watched in dismay as her face crumpled.

Clunking her tea down on the table, she jumped up from the couch and bolted from the room.

Cursing himself, he followed her. Her bedroom was empty but he could hear her in the bathroom.

“Kathryn, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Are you okay?”

A minute or so passed before the bathroom doors opened. She walked towards him and gave him a faint smile. “I’m fine. I’m sorry.”

He could see she’d been crying; her eyes were red-rimmed and still shimmering with unshed tears.

“You don’t have to apologise. It was a stupid joke.”

“It stopped my shakes… it can’t have been that bad.”

“No, it was dire – as are the curtains.”

“You mean I might have felt worse if he’d made me some too?”

Chakotay smiled at her, deeply impressed with her ability to rise above almost anything – even this.

“I’ll show you later and you can judge for yourself.” He stood aside as she moved towards the couch.

Picking up the throw, she wrapped it around her shoulders again and took a seat. Kathryn ignored her tea for the time being and looked out the view port once more.

“I can’t stop looking at them. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

Reluctantly dragging his eyes away from her, he looked at the dense star field.

“Yes, they are. Very beautiful.” He turned back towards her and studied her profile.

She took a deep breath and turned towards him. “Are there many repairs to be made?”

“Some, but nothing vital. We were lucky.” He looked at her pointedly. “In so many ways.”

“It was a stupid idea, wasn’t it? Me, alone in a shuttle, in that void for two years. I would never have survived. You were right to stop me.”

She swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment before they snapped open. Kathryn stared at Chakotay. “It’s a terrifying thought. I can’t believe that I allowed myself to get into such a state. What the hell was I thinking?”

“You were thinking of the crew and Voyager, as you always do. Of saving us and the Void inhabitants, not to mention teaching the Malon a lesson they’d never forget. All classic Janeway manoeuvres.”

She gave him a sceptical look. “You don’t really believe that, do you? If you do, I’ve got some land on Ferengenar going cheap.”

Chakotay chuckled and shook his head. “No, but I wasn’t sure if it was my place to bring it up.”

“Who else is going to? I trust you to be honest with me, even if I don’t want to hear it. I may not listen to you – I may even get angry with you – but at least I know that you’ll tell me the truth, no matter what.”

He nodded, his smile fading.

“All right, Kathryn. You want the truth. You need help. You need to speak to someone now as well as receive some sort of counselling on a regular basis. The constant stress you’re under is too much for one person to bear. It’s a testament to your will and strength of character that you’ve made it this far without something like this – or worse – happening.

“But no one, not even you, has the ability to carry the hopes and dreams of all these people on your shoulders and not buckle under the pressure. Then add to that burden the misplaced guilt you bear for stranding us out here coupled with other imagined faults and failures – it’s a recipe for disaster. You have to let it go. You’re too important to all of us. Your wellbeing is vital to our survival and we honestly can’t afford to lose you.”

“No pressure, huh?” Kathryn grunted a bitter laugh.

Chakotay shook his head. “This is no laughing matter, Kathryn.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m not laughing. Not on the inside.”

Chakotay felt the knot of tension in his belly wind itself tighter – the fear of what could have happened more real now than it had been when they were in the middle of the crisis.

“If I hadn’t informed the rest of the senior staff of your plan, we could very well be continuing this journey without you and you would now be sitting alone in that void, slowly going out of your mind.”

Her face paled and, with haunted eyes, she slowly turned towards him. He hated causing her more pain but she had to realise how disastrous the fallout from this stunt could have been.

“You’re right, Kathryn. You wouldn’t have survived. No one could.” He reached across and picked up her hand, weaving his fingers gently through hers. “We can’t lose you. _I_ wouldn’t survive if we lost you.”

Her eyes widened at his declaration. “You’re supposed to be making me feel less guilty, not more.”

“I’m sorry, but you have to know that I love you.” She suddenly looked fearful, so he tempered the statement. “We all do, and we’ll do anything to keep you with us, even mutiny.”

The tension left her face and she frowned.

“So I discovered.” She pulled her hand from his and tucked it under the throw. “All captains, at least the reasonable ones, will engender that sort of admiration. I’m not surprised that the crew look to me in that capacity, considering our circumstances.”

“I think you misunderstand. It’s not just respect for your position that garners their devotion; it wasn’t the captain they saved today – it was _you_ , Kathryn. They love you. _I_ love you.”

“You’re not going to make this easy for me are you?”

He shook his head.

“Don’t you think it’s about time that we addressed this?” He waved his hand back and forth between them. “We’ve skirted the issue for years and I think the time has come to confront it – as uncomfortable as it makes you feel.”

“It doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. It’s just that….”

Chakotay brow rose, waiting for her excuses.

A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “It’s just that… well, we have a ship to run and there are other lives, besides our own, that take priority.”

“I agree.”

“We can’t just please ourselves. There are too many reasons why indulging our personal feelings is wrong; it’s fraught with dangers and pitfalls. Starfleet protocols and regulations aren’t the only things holding me back. To be honest, I couldn’t care less about those. I’ve broken so many since I’ve been out here that one more isn’t really going to make that much difference when it comes time for my court martial. My concern is my ability to be objective.”

“Yes.”

She rolled her eyes. “And not just about you. I would be devastated if anything happened to you – you know that. The problem is that I find it hard to be objective about any of the crew.”

“I know.”

“You’re not helping.” There was an edge of irritation in her voice.

“What is there to say? I understand all of these things, Kathryn. So do the crew. They know that it breaks your heart every time we lose someone and that if anyone is injured, you are the first to visit sickbay. It’s what sets you apart from any other captain that I have served under and it’s part of the reason why we’re so devoted to you.

“The crew knows that it’s not the captain doing these things; it’s Kathryn. Your compassion means so much more to them than having a by-the-book, aloof and duty-bound martinet in charge.”

Her hackles rose. He was being obtuse and this wasn’t what she wanted to hear. How could she possibly lead these people if they felt that way about her? It was bad enough that they had wormed their way into _her_ heart; if the feelings were reciprocated, she was doomed.

Chakotay could see her mind working. All she allowed herself to accept was the negative side to this wonderful loyalty and affection that the crew held for her. He felt like shaking her; she was so damned frustrating. As tempting as it was, he couldn’t physically pound sense into her, so instead, he waited – ready to counter her arguments with ones of his own. An emotional rousting was what she needed.

Kathryn was plucking at the throw, obviously agitated. “It’s wrong. I have to find some way of creating some distance. I can’t be seen as weak”

“It’s not a weakness, Kathryn.”

Angry blue eyes met Chakotay’s. “Oh please, don’t pander to my insecurities. Of course, it’s a weakness. How am I supposed to lead these people when I know that all they see is an emotionally fragile woman? It’s impossible.”

“Okay, that’s enough. Can you hear yourself?”

“Don’t use that tone with me, Commander.”

“‘Emotionally fragile’? I don’t think so and don’t ‘commander’ me. You want to play hardball? Well let’s have a look at what has happened over the past several weeks.

“For a start, you abandoned your post, became a recluse and isolated yourself from the crew. You were depressed, self indulgent and oppositional, and I was well within my rights to have the Doctor remove you from duty and declare you unfit for command.”

Kathryn’s eyes opened wide and her jaw dropped. She drew a breath, ready to protest, but Chakotay held up his hand to forestall her. She closed her mouth slowly, her lips pressing into a thin line of disapproval.

Chakotay shook his head in exasperation.

“But I didn’t.” He grasped her shoulders firmly. “Don’t you get it? Even at your worst, you’re a better captain than anyone else could possibly be. What you see as a weakness is your greatest strength. It not only emboldens you, it empowers those around you. It’s a rare quality, Kathryn – a gift. Don’t fear it, embrace it.”

He squeezed her shoulders for emphasis and then let go.

Kathryn sighed, the fight going out of her with each of his assertions. She turned to the viewport again, resignation clearly written across her features.

“I tried, you know. I really tried to find a balance. I remember in the first weeks after we landed out here, wandering the halls, looking at the distraught faces of the crew and realising that I was going to have to be more than a captain to them; I knew I’d have to rethink the whole concept of command distance and reserve. I was beholden to them. It was my fault that they were stuck here in the Delta Quadrant, so it was my responsibility to be the very best captain that I could be. I’ve failed and it eats at me.”

Chakotay took hold of her chin and turned her face towards him.

“Will you stop this? You didn’t fail … you haven’t failed. This insecurity is causing more damage than any other ‘failings’ you may think you have. Get over it, Kathryn. You have to snap yourself out of this and get on with things. You can’t afford to indulge in this pityfest. You don’t have the time.”

“If this is your idea of therapy, remind me to cross ‘counsellor’ off your résumé.”

“Okay, I’m not going to try to change your mind, but I want you to do something for me.”

Her shoulders drooped and she gave him a weary look. “If I have to start writing a list of life’s positives and negatives, I’m going to toss you out of here right now.”

He shook his head but couldn’t help smiling. “Come with me to Sandrine’s. There’s a celebration going on there at the moment and you should come.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Actually Kathryn, I’m not giving you a choice. Either you come or I contact the Doctor and we deal with the fallout from this per regulation. If we do, it will mean you stepping down as captain for the time being. You asked me if I was ready to take over – well, I don’t want to, but if you force my hand, I will. Your wellbeing and that of the crew is at stake. I don’t have a problem doing my duty.”

“When you play hardball, you don’t kid around, do you?”

“I play nice most of the time but this is important and it’s my job to look after you.”

Kathryn’s voice softened. “And you do it well.”

Turning towards the window, she contemplated the stars for a time.

Chakotay waited for a minute or two. He knew what she was doing – mentally weighing the pros and cons… so much for her not making lists.

She turned towards him slowly. “I’ll come with you, but you have to promise me something.”

“If I can.”

“Let me do this at my own pace. I don’t want the crew to know.”

“Kathryn, the crew already knows. You’ve been holed-up in your quarters for the last six weeks. It didn’t take them long to figure out what was going on.”

“What did you tell them?”

“Not that it was my place to tell them anything, but if it makes you feel any better, I told them that you were taking some time out and that you could captain the ship from wherever the hell you wanted to.”

“And they bought that?”

“I didn’t give them a choice.”

Her eyes snapped to his and narrowed in anger, but he was unmoved.

“They don’t care, Kathryn. They will be supportive and compassionate, but you need to get out there and let them see that you’re all right and allow them to help you.”

She almost snarled. “I can’t. I’m supposed to be their captain, not some pathetic creature who needs a morale boost. That’s not their job. That’s my responsibility.”

He nodded, not the least bit moved by her anger.

“That’s where you’re wrong. The ‘responsibility’ is shared. That’s what families do, Kathryn. They support one another, look out for their best interests and pick up the slack if need be.”

She countered angrily. “But they also need a leader. Someone who can take charge and protect them.”

“And you already do that in spades.”

He shrugged then.

“So, you’ve had a few weeks off. The Void threw everyone into a tailspin. It’s allowed and no one thinks any the worse of you for having this time to yourself. You did your part when the aliens attacked. The crew have always known that they are your top priority. But now more than ever, you need to get out there and show them that you’re back on deck.

“We can deal with the rest of it behind the scenes and, if you don’t want to talk to me, there’s always the Doctor or perhaps we can manufacture a program or something. There are many ways to overcome this, but for now, you need to see people and be with your crew. For their sake as well as yours.”

“You make it all seem so simple and matter of fact.”

“It doesn’t have to be complicated.”

Her shoulders sagged again. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Take the sting out of the tail of everything.”

“I’m not trying to trivialise what you’re feeling. I hope you know that?”

Kathryn nodded. “I do.”

He smiled gently. “I do understand. I’m not a stranger to guilt and regret. It took me a long time to get over the loss of my parents and family and to learn to live with the guilt of not being there to protect them. You’re never truly free from its grasp, but thanks to you and Voyager, I’ve found a measure of peace. I’m happy with my lot.”

Kathryn looked down, overwhelmed by the trust he placed in her and so grateful for his kindness. She lifted her head and met his eyes.

“Thank you. I couldn’t do this without you. I hope you know that.”

He nodded. “I do.”

Her mouth twisted into a reluctant smile. “You’re not one of those men riddled with nagging self doubt, are you?”

He laughed aloud and, without thinking, wrapped his arms around her in a friendly hug – an almost involuntary reaction to the glimpse of the feisty Kathryn of old, as she rose above the feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty. It took a moment for him to realise that her arms had snaked around him as well – and that she wasn’t letting go.

In fact, her hands had a death grip on his uniform jacket, her fingers curled into the fabric, her face tucked tightly into his neck. He could feel the moist heat of her ragged breaths on his skin. However, there was a slow easing of tension in her body.

Eventually she took a deep shuddering breath and pulled her head back slowly. “I don’t want to let go.”

“You don’t have to. Not until you’re ready.”

She swallowed hard. “I miss this. I can’t remember the last time someone held me.”

“All you have to do is ask. We have to start remembering to take care of one another.”

“That’s a good excuse.” She pulled back a little further and gave him a cynical look.

“I mean it, Kathryn. Neither of us takes the time to consider our own emotional wellbeing; we’re usually so busy worrying about everyone else. Touch is important; the feel and warmth of someone else’s body close to yours has healing properties that can’t be duplicated by any drug or holoprogram.”

She snuggled a little closer and he smiled.

Her voice was muffled. “I can feel that.”

“What?!”

“Your smile.”

“Oh, that.”

She pulled away and frowned at him. “What did you think I meant?”

“Oh, nothing.”

He grinned broadly and kissed her forehead quickly before he lifted her arms away from him and stood.

“I’m going to my quarters to get changed. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes to escort you to the holodeck. Will you be ready?”

Tilting her head to the side slightly, she nodded and watched him closely.

“I’ll be ready.”

“No uniforms, tonight. Civilian clothes, all right?”

“I think I can manage.”

“Good.”

Her look was thoughtful as her eyes slid down his body. He noticed her brow rise and her eyes dart away quickly once they reached his groin. A slight flush crept up her neck as she tugged the throw back around her.

Without acknowledging anything, he smiled and turned towards the door, calling over his shoulder just before he stepped into the corridor.

“I’ll be back soon. No dawdling.”

He grinned all the way to his quarters.

* * *

The doors hissed shut and Kathryn stared at them for a long moment before she rose slowly and moved into her bedroom.

She let the throw slip from her shoulders before tossing it onto the bed. Kathryn then opened her cupboard to choose something to wear. She stared at her paltry array of civilian clothes and her mind wandered back to her first officer. Turning, she looked towards the living area, a renewed flush of realisation rising up her neck to her cheeks.

He’d been aroused.

The thought sent alarm bells ringing in her head, but at the same time, her traitorous body warmed with a sudden rush of blood.

It was something of a revelation. The simple act of holding her in his arms had affected Chakotay that way. By rights she should be appalled, but instead it left her with a flutter in her belly and a delightful sense of triumph. She half-heartedly admonished herself but another twinge in her groin made her shake her head – as though she could unhinge those wanton thoughts and loosen their effect.

Such thinking wasn’t appropriate, especially in light of the day’s events. Her heightened emotions and exposed vulnerabilities were undoubtedly the reason for her body’s wanton response. They had to be. Didn’t they?

It wasn’t as if she was unaware of their mutual attraction – one would have to be brain-dead not to be conscious of the reciprocal pull they exerted on one another but she’d been blissfully ignorant of any physical manifestation before now. Not that she was in the habit of looking at his groin – in fact, she’d made a concerted effort to not look – but now she began to wonder how often this happened in her presence.

Was it something she noticed only today because she was in his arms for the first time, or was it something that happened at other times as well? Kathryn thought back to those moments when they sat in the Ready Room, drinking cups of tea and coffee, their knees rubbing against one another – or those instances when she laid her hand on his chest or cupped his cheek.

These brief touches were an indulgence; one that she allowed and justified by convincing herself that it was all innocent and platonic – or so she thought. It was amazing how easily she could convince herself of something when she put her mind to it. What a fool.

He was a compelling man though, kind, strong, handsome… and that smile, those dimples…

A faraway look began to soften Kathryn’s features, her thoughts drifting to precious memories from their years together. Upon catching herself daydreaming, she snatched a dark blue dress from her cupboard, some underwear from her drawer, and strode into the bathroom while trying to unshackle her mind from thoughts of her first officer.

Kathryn had a new problem. Now that the Pandora’s Box of long-forgotten attraction had been flung open, she couldn’t keep her reckless thoughts at bay; worse, her body now seemed to have a mind of its own. Her nipples puckered and her lower belly throbbed with need. This was an added and unwanted twist to her nightmarish day.

Kathryn stripped off her clothes and leapt under the cool water, hoping to douse the quickly fanning flames of desire.

She’d thought those yearnings had been abandoned years ago. They’d been carefully categorised as inappropriate; folded, trimmed neatly and placed securely in an obscure part of her being. But for one reason or another, today’s emotional juggernaut had set them free. He’d wanted to address the ‘thing between them’ but she’d avoided the subject. And now – as she gnawed at her bottom lip and struggled to divert her thoughts – it was _all_ she could think about. He would be here soon and this was no state to be in if she had to make an appearance in the holodeck and greet the crew with any degree of composure.

The evening was going to be difficult enough and Kathryn felt exposed knowing that the crew were aware of her inadequacies and the reasons behind her isolation. While scrubbing her arms and legs vigorously, she admonished herself again – confronting her weaknesses and acknowledging her inadequacies was surely enough to quash any reawakened hankerings she had for her first officer.

Kathryn stepped out of the shower and quickly dried herself, ignoring the strident clamour of her own thoughts.

She wasn’t quite sure what to make of all of this. The day had taken her on a hurtling slalom run of emotions – many fraught, a few enlightening and some that were potentially destructive. They’d weaved in and out, and back and forth from grinding despair through what, for her, was tantamount to an emotional breakdown to moments of tentative but welcome realisation. Chakotay’s steadying influence restored a sense of equilibrium but there were matters that still needed to be resolved.

* * *

It took a few minutes, but she finally found a quiet place inside her to stow the runaway feelings. It wasn’t a moment too soon.

The door chimed and, knowing who it would be, called for Chakotay to enter. Dressed, bar her shoes, she gave him a quick smile before dashing back into the bedroom to find them. As she slipped them on, she heard him moving about in the living room.

“I’m almost done.”

Without thinking about the reasons why, she moved back into the bathroom, touched up her lipstick, checked her hair, then dabbed some perfume on her throat and cleavage. Grimacing at her reflection, she took another deep breath and headed out to greet him properly.

Chakotay smiled warmly. “You look lovely, Kathryn. How are you feeling?”

“Not too bad, considering. I’m a little unsure about this, but you’ve convinced me that it’s the right thing to do.”

“Good.” His dark eyes filled with admiration and he crooked his elbow.

Kathryn looped her arm through his and they left her quarters, walking slowly up the corridor to the lift.

It felt good to be close to him and they moved easily against one another. There was no friction, no awkwardness. It was as though their bodies knew the rhythm of the other’s and suddenly Kathryn’s mind filled with a vision of them making love – their bodies intertwined, his honey-coloured skin melded to her paler flesh as they writhed together in ecstasy.

As their hips bumped together, she made a strange gasping noise and Chakotay turned to her just as the lift arrived and the doors opened.

He was going to ask if she was all right, but what greeted them were three, off-duty crew.

The lift occupants all smiled warmly at her and she turned to Chakotay’s concerned face, shaking her head slightly. “It’s nothing.”

He nodded in reply and they boarded the lift to a hearty welcome from those already inside.

“Going to the holodeck party, Captain?”

“Yes, Ensign.” She smiled encouragingly. “And looking forward to it.”

“We haven’t seen you play pool for a while and I’m pretty sure Tom Paris is ready for a rematch.”

She smiled broadly and shook her head. “Not tonight. But perhaps sometime soon.”

They nodded and soon they arrived on deck six. As everyone else moved to step out, Chakotay stayed behind to let the enthusiastic crewmembers pass.

“See you in there, Captain.”

Once they were out of earshot, Chakotay turned towards her.

“See, it’s not so bad.”

“No. As much as it grieves me, you were right.” She looked up at him and gave him a lopsided smile. “So far.”

“Have faith, Kathryn. You’ll have a wonderful time.”

They arrived at the holodeck doors and Chakotay loosened his hold on her arm, expecting her to pull away from him as they stepped into the French tavern. He was happy for her to make her usual ‘grand’ entrance, but interestingly she tugged his arm closer and gave him a small shrug.

“Just think of it as riding shotgun.”

He chuckled and patted her hand. “Locked and loaded. Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

* * *

The doors opened to the noisy hubbub of people enjoying themselves. A haze of simulated smoke hung just below the rafters and the sound of glasses clinking and the clack of balls on the pool table added another layer to the provincial ambience. Neelix was the first to notice them and came scuttling across the room, his hands waving and his whiskers standing on end with excitement.

“Captain, Captain, you’re here! Oh, it’s so good to see you.” He hunkered close and whispered loudly. “The crew will be so pleased. They’ve missed you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Neelix. It looks like things are in full swing here. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.”

“Oh, yes. Lieutenant Ayala has just beaten Tom at pool, so they’re celebrating over there. And the crew from Stellar Cartography are having an arm wrestling competition. They are especially pleased to be out of the Void.” He shook his head to add emphasis. “We all are. Thank you so much for getting us out of there.”

“I think there were….”

“Oh look, the Engineers are going to sing.” He wasn’t listening to her and started to move away but came back again for a moment, clinging to her forearm. “Captain, it’s so good to see you.”

Then he was off again, weaving through the crowd, laughing and skipping.

Chakotay muttered quietly. “He’s wearing my curtains.”

Kathryn snorted and laughed.

“Good evening, Captain, Chakotay.” Tom greeted them both with a smile.

“I hear you lost, Paris.” Chakotay glanced over at Mike Ayala, surrounded by well-wishers – several of whom were slapping him on the back.

“Yes, well, while Harry and I have been saving the cosmos from the likes of Chaotica and his henchmen, some of the crew have been honing their skills in seedy pool dens. I’ve got my work cut out for me. Care for a game, Captain? We could partner up and knock them down a few pegs.”

“Not tonight, thank you, Tom. I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the party.”

He nodded his understanding and then clicked his fingers.

“Sandrine, a bottle of my best for the Captain and Commander.” Then he pointed over to a quieter corner of the room where B’Elanna and Sam Wildman were sitting. “There are some chairs at that table.”

“Thank you, Tom.”

Kathryn began to move off when a hand landed gently on her arm. She turned back and saw that it belonged to her pilot.

“It’s good to see you, Captain. Really good.” He smiled and, with emphasis, gave her arm the slightest of squeezes before moving away to organise a rematch with the new pool champions.

She watched him leave before turning to Chakotay. He smiled reassuringly and with her arm still tucked into his, they made their way across the room to the table.

B’Elanna and Sam greeted them happily. No mention was made of Kathryn’s long absence and they fell into conversation about Naomi and her lessons, the Void aliens and a myriad of other topics. It was as though she’d never been away – only better. There was an air of acceptance and casual familiarity that Kathryn was enjoying immensely.

It wasn’t easy at first, but she slowly let her guard down. Not all the way, but enough to let ‘Kathryn’ shine through the captain’s veneer. Much to her relief, it had the desired affect.

The night was a huge success. Kathryn caught up with and made new connections with as many of the crew as she could. Chakotay had been right. They understood, they cared and they didn’t judge. She wanted to hug them all.

* * *

By the time they left three hours later, a very different Kathryn keyed in her door code and stepped aside before ushering her first officer into her quarters.

She stood just inside, her hands resting on her hips, and huffed a laugh.

He grinned in return. “So, a success then?”

“How did you know?”

“They’re good people, Kathryn. They could be your friends as well, if you let them.”

“It was a wonderful night. Thank you for making me attend the party.”

“I’m happy to bully you anytime you like.”

“Gee, thanks.” She grinned. “Would you like a tea or coffee… another wine?”

Chakotay shook his head. “No, I really should get to bed. I’ve early shift in the morning. So have you, if I remember.”

“I’m too wound up to sleep. Are you sure I can’t offer you anything?”

His eyes held hers for a split second longer than necessary but then he moved towards the door.

“No thank you, Kathryn. I really should go.”

She nodded. “Well, thank you for a lovely evening – and for everything. I really don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Kathryn was standing in the middle of her living area, her hands now hanging loosely by her side; she looked almost forlorn.

Chakotay had every intention of leaving. There were likely to be complications if he stayed. He knew she’d been aware of his arousal earlier that evening and, although her reaction had amused him at the time, it could potentially be a problem. Her reluctance to speak about the simmering attraction they held for one another made him wary, yet the pull to stay was strong.

It took only a small step towards him from Kathryn and he capitulated.

“All right. I’ll have one more drink, but you’re going to have to put in a good word with the captain if I’m late in morning.”

“Oh, I think I can do that. And I’m sure she won’t mind ‘picking up the slack’.”

He grinned, recalling his own words from earlier in the evening. She had been listening and was now embracing this whole concept. It gave him a renewed sense of hope – for them and for all the crew. Perhaps the old saying was true: that you needed to hit rock bottom before you could find your way up again.

Kathryn replicated tea for them both and smiled at Chakotay’s look when she handed it to him.

“I have to get up in the morning, too, and I could do with a good night’s sleep.”

Chakotay lifted his cup and they tapped them together in a silent toast. For a long moment, they sat quietly while sipping their drinks. It was Kathryn who finally broke the silence.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

Her gaze shifted from his face to the view port and she took another sip of tea, her eyes on his reflection.

“You asked earlier if we could address this thing between us.”

“Yes.”

She smiled and turned back towards him. “These one word answers are becoming something of a habit.”

“Speaking of ‘habits’ – you’re changing the subject –”

“All right, point taken. What I was going to say is this: I’d like to _revisit_ that particular part of our conversation.”

“Which particular part?”

“The part where you said you still loved me.”

“Okay. I do – still love you – that is. I’ve never stopped.”

“I’m glad. I still love you too.”

Chakotay’s face broke into a broad grin and he nodded. “I hoped you did. It’s been a long time.”

“I’ve been out of touch with my feelings for so long that today has been something of a reawakening – a painful and soul-bearing one – but in the end, it was one of those watershed moments where I had to choose a direction in which to take my future.” She shifted a little bit closer to him on the couch.

“Would it surprise you to know that I chose you?”

“I’m not, but I’m very pleased.”

“There’s that nagging self-doubt again.” She teased him.

Chakotay laughed. “I didn’t mean that to sound egotistical. Only I know that when cornered, you have an innate sense of self-preservation and I’d like to think you’re aware that I have your best interests at heart; that you’re safe with me.”

“I know I’m safe with you. That’s something I’ve always known. Thank you.”

“You’re most welcome.”

“Can I ask you something else?”

He spread his hands wide. “I’m yours.”

“Interesting choice of words; I was wondering if I could impose upon you for another hug. It seems I’ve acquired a taste for them now.”

Without hesitating, he pulled her into his arms and spoke into her hair.

“They’re quite addictive aren’t they?”

Kathryn nodded and sighed, her hot breath on his neck. “Very.”

The embrace was different from the one they’d shared earlier that day. This lacked the desperate intensity and emotional turmoil of the previous one; now, Kathryn found a sense of ease and acceptance in the warm strength of his arms.

She wrapped herself around him, slowly stroking her hands up and down his back, inhaled deeply – breathing him in. She could have happily fallen asleep where she was, safe and secure. Bringing her hand around to stroke up the side of his neck to his cheek, she pulled back a little and met his eyes.

“Will you stay?”

“Gladly, but I want you to be sure about this.”

Kathryn smiled affectionately.

“You’re a good man and thank you for asking, but I am absolutely certain about this. I know what your concerns are. On the back of what happened this afternoon, this could be seen as a knee-jerk reaction, or a way of avoiding the issues, but it’s not. I still have work to do. And you’ll be relieved to know that I spoke to the Doctor tonight; I have an appointment with him tomorrow to outline some counselling sessions.”

“I’m pleased, Kathryn.”

She nodded again, her hand sliding down his front to rest over his heart.

“All that aside, I would still like you to stay. The love I feel for you I’ve held in my heart for many years – long before my recent troubles. So, I see it as something separate, something unique and apart from the upsets of the last few weeks. Does that make sense?”

“Yes. A lot of sense.”

“So you’ll stay?”

“Yes, but I have a proviso.”

“I thought you might.” She smiled.

“I love you, Kathryn. I have loved you for many years and I will keep on loving you. I want nothing more than to be a part of your life, to live with you and grow old with you.

“But if you find it too difficult to balance our relationship and your captaincy, I will step back. I know deep down that you have reservations. I’m happy to prove them wrong, but your emotional health and the wellbeing of the crew come before what you or I might want. Is that all right with you?”

“You’re giving me an out?”

“I am, in a sense, but I’m counting on that stubborn streak in you to prove that you don’t need it.”

“Oh, I don’t have any doubts about us. We’re unstoppable once we put our heads together.”

“Speaking of which…”

Chakotay leant forward then, his lips meeting hers in a warm kiss. Upon pulling back, he smiled as he watched her face. Her eyes were closed – lips slightly parted – and he could see an almost beatific smile spreading across her features.

“Mmmm…” Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips before her eyes opened. “Not bad. Not bad at all.”

At his look of delight, her face broke into a broad smile. However, she saw something else in his expression – a dark spark in the depths of his eyes. She couldn’t help herself and cast her gaze downwards.

There were those feelings again – the twinges in her groin, the flutter in her belly. He was aroused again too; there was no doubt about it. And before she could think too much about his reaction, she took a deep breath, swung her leg over his lap and hoisted her dress up her thighs. She straddled him then, wriggling forward until his hardness was pressed into her.

She looked up into his rather startled eyes. “I love you. I would like to make love with you. But if you prefer, we can just sleep.”

“Kathryn, I’ve wanted to make love to you for as long as I can remember but I want you to be ready as well. How about we go to bed and see what happens?”

Her mouth twisted into a knowing smile. “Do I get to put some replicator rations on the outcome of this?”

Chakotay tugged on his ear lobe and tried not to laugh. “No. I think it’s pretty much a sure bet.”

Sliding off his lap, Kathryn grabbed his hand, pulling him up from the couch. She wrapped her arm around his waist and rested her hand over his heart.

“I like the sound of that. In this uncertain existence, a ‘sure bet’ isn’t something to be squandered.”

Chakotay swept her into his arms and kissed her soundly.

“Some things are just too valuable. I’m very glad you’re still here, Kathryn.”

“Thank you for the mutiny.”

“Anytime.”

Laughing quietly, they turned and walked into her bedroom.

* * *

Drenched in the silver light of the Delta Quadrant’s stars, Chakotay and Kathryn sank into the soft covers and made love for the very first time.


End file.
